Growing up…

I love spending time with ny niece.  She’s two now, which means that every other word out of her mouth is either “no!” or “mine!”  I just don’t get it sometimes..but I can’t help but smile at her.  She came plopping down the steps tonight and curled up next to me to “help me” buy a plane ticket as she cried my fiance’s name for no apparent reason. I love carrying her around and letting people wonder if she’s mine or not.  Sometimes I can’t wait to have kids of my own.  But I am terrified of screwing them up completely.  So many of life’s issues stem from issues with our own families and to be honest, our parents.  But the more I grow up, the more I see that my parents are people.  Humans.  Sinners.  I will, Lord willing, be a parent in the not so distant future, and there is no way on this earth that I won’t screw those poor unfortunate souls up.  But as my mom was killing a spider for me (yup, I’m 22, about to move out of my parents’ house forever, get married and get a real job (Lord willing!), and I still need my mommy to kill spiders and clear cobwebs out because for the life of me I just can’t do it) I realized that I’m not that messed up because of my parents.  I’m messed up because I’m me.  I’m human.  I’m a sinner.  A wise woman warned me against letting the ideal of being a good parent become an idol.  Wow.  I had never thought of that being an idol…but if it becomes more important to me than Jesus and being his follower, then we have a big problem.

I’m growing up, and it sure wasn’t long ago that I was the 2 year old little girl stomping around saying “I can do it myself!” to anyone and everyone.  Ok, so maybe I still say that rather frequently and with a certain stubbornness, but my point here is that life goes fast.  I’m sure if you’ve lived at all, you’ve already got that all figured out.  It just baffles me that in 3 weeks, I’ll be done with college completely.  And in 8 months exactly I will be a married woman!  Really? Wow.  Praise the Lord for his faithfulness and patience with me.  It’s kind of amazing that he doesn’t just wipe us out because we must be the most frustrating children in the world.  We can never just get it!  Go read Psalm 103 right now and praise Him!

 

Self-image

I had the most amazing conversation with three amazing women on the way home from a concert last week.  It was late.  We were so open and honest with each other it was refreshing.   Wounds were discussed, sins admitted, motivations uncovered.  It may have been one of the most raw conversations I’ve ever had.  And it all started with a question from the driver, a previous roommate of mine.  She introduced the topic of “self image” and then said “discuss.”

We began to talk and had some really good conversations…but as I was falling asleep last night, I started to think about it again.  It was ironic then that on The Today show this morning there was a woman who wrote a book about our self-worth as women and how we need to be empowered to stand up and be heard…or something like that, I don’t know, I stopped listening.

How important is our own self-image?  I mean, in the grand scheme of things, how important is what we think of ourselves?  Maybe if we could actually grasp what Jesus thinks of us when he sees us, we wouldn’t care about our self-esteem and self-image and self- worth.  At Crusade last week, a pastor spoke about the Gospel and related it very well.  He said that when God looks at us, he doesn’t see us.  His opinion of us is his opinion of his son, Jesus Christ when we are washed by His blood.  God’s limitless grace allows us to wrestle out our sins and issues within his grace, and his opinion of us never changes from that of his son.  Our motivations for doing good don’t need to be to make him love us more (which, truth be told, is often my motivation).

What would it look like if we actually GOT that? If our motivation was solely because we loved our God and were content with his never ending, limitless love and grace for us?

We would stop worrying so much about our own self-image, self-worth, self-…centered-ness…

I had more to say..but I’m tired of typing and all I can think about is the fact that I have two brown spots on my brand new white shirt that i was so excited to wear tonight…and the fact that I want juice stop.

 

And I’ve proved my point

I’m so bad at this blogging thing. Diligence has never been a strong suit of mine.

Dorms are the worst.  Maybe I’m a little jaded after this weekend, but you have to admit, if you’ve ever lived in one, by the end of the year for sure the costs definitely outweigh the benefits.

Let me prove my point.  I got home today from Omaha, after being dropped off by my lovely future mother in law (this story I will explain in a minute).  I needed to use the bathroom which is only about 2 feet from my door.  I stepped into the hall and kind of grimaced a little at the slight stench in the hallway (not uncommon for the boys’ floor..but c’mon girls.  We’re girls.  We don’t smell that bad!)  I proceded into our nasty salmon colored common bathroom and discovered the source of the foul scent.  There was a note on the mirror in dry erase marker reading “whoever used the 3rd stall needs to plunge/flush the remains.  Thank you.”  Oh that’s disgusting.  Then I actually made my way to the stalls, and noticed a lovely little spot of puke on the floor of the first stall.  Apparently it’s hard to aim your face at a giant bowl.  Anyway, I carefully avoided the third stall and quickly used the 2nd one–all the while covering my nose because the smell was just that bad.

Now.  Let me tell you another story that will illustrate my strictly hate relationship with the dorm bathrooms.  Two nights ago, I awoke very early in the morning (around 4 am) feeling quite….sick.  I rushed to the bathroom where, after a series of unfortunate events, I lost consciousness and fell (from a standing up position..I think)..apparently hitting my head quite hard.  All I remember is standing in the stall, holding on to the tops of the stall walls (I’m rather tall if you didn’t know).  Next thing I knew, I was slowly waking up lying on the bathroom floor, with my head at an odd angle against the back wall, sandwiched between the toilet and the stall wall.  I was quite confused and couldn’t figure out why I would decide to sleep on the bathroom floor (no, I was not drunk–just to clarify) and for the life of me I could not figure out where my glasses were and why I hadn’t thought to bring them with me.  I somehow managed to pull myself up and stagger back to my room and lay down in bed.  I laid down and found my glasses, caught in my mass of ratty and tangled hair.  That was odd.  And as I slowly started to realize I had a pretty sharp pain just under my right eyebrow, bits and pieces started coming back to me.  I got up and looked at my face in the mirror and noticed a nice little cut where the pain was radiating from.  I guess I completely passed out cold (let me remind you–not drunk) and hit my head on something–most likely the wall, possibly the toilet, and a bolt that held the stall to the back wall (thus creating the cut on my eye.)  I don’t remember any of this, which I’m going to take as a blessing considering the phrase that goes something like “the taller they are, the harder they fall”.

Don’t worry.  Two doctor visits and a tetanus shot later, I’m officially without a head injury and left with only an embarassing story as to why I have three steri-strips on my swollen and turning slightly blue right eye.

Boy am I excited to move out of here.  That’s just too embarassing to live down.

 

Internal Processors make bad bloggers

I’ve had this conversation with my sister before.  We tend to think everything through before we say it.  And generally, we decide that what we thought about saying really wouldn’t make a difference if left unsaid, so we tend to just stay quiet.   And, when I do have something that I want to say, my first instinct is not to update the cyber world.  My fiance is much better at this.  You should read his blog.

Today, on my way to tan (I had a free thing for Ashley Lynns–I don’t normally tan!) I came upon somewhat of a traffic jam.  Turns out there was a 3 car accident and as soon as I was the next person to go through the intersection, the fire truck came up and the police officer stepped in front of me.  I stopped.  As well as about 50 cars behind me.  I sat there confused as to what to do.  I could get around the truck without much difficulty and I thought about it, because I didn’t want to be the reason all these people behind me had to sit in this traffic jam.  What if I was allowed to go through, and didn’t?  Well, turns out I did the right thing, because firemen (and maybe a woman, I couldn’t really tell) were jumping in and out of the truck and soon an ambulence drove up.  Now, at this moment, one’s first response should be the sober realization that something was wrong.  But I’m ashamed to admit I was annoyed.  I had so much time, no where to be at that specific moment…no appointment…and yet I was annoyed.  I hope it was only after I realized that the firemen and police and ambulence people were basically strolling and milling about.  But my own response sickened me.

It’s amazing how selfish I can be without even realizing it.  In our Bible study we went through this grid to deal with following God’s laws, while turning to the gospel as our only means to do so, because without the Holy Spirit we are completely inept to obey God.  We are just to sinful.

Here’s the basic jist of the grid which you can use in your own personal study:

“Keller says that every passage asserts a moral imperative, either explicitly or implicitly.”

–read the passage–(whatever passage)

-What is the command?
-Why can’t you do it? (Be specific about your particular struggles to obey this command)
-How did Jesus do this perfectly (note specific examples in the gospels)?
-How can God’s spirit in you empower you to actually obey this command (in specific situations)?

 

Calfskin ESV Study Bible giveaway!

Check out this post by David Porter, where he is giving away one free Calfskin Premium Leather ESV Study Bible.

 

Wedding Planning

I ‘m not sure exactly when it happened.  Sometime after getting engaged, the only thing people want to know about now is “how’s the wedding planning coming?”  Apparently that’s the most important thing about me.  Who cares about the wedding?  I really don’t.  I just want to be married to this man and spend this life here on earth at his side.

So, I ask myself, “how is preparing to be a wife going?”  Some days, I am so incredibly selfish it makes me cringe.  James and I can’t just call each other up on the phone whenever we want to.  We have to be intentional about scheduling when we will talk since we have to utilize the internet and his is rather limited.    Sometimes I can’t wait for the day when we don’t have to talk.  All we do is talk. I just want to sit in silence with his arms around me and just sit there!

On another note, both meals I’ve had to eat today from the campus cafeteria have left me incredibly disappointed and hungry so I’ve been sitting in my room trying to get up the energy to drive to walmart and get something tasty.  Like a lunchable.  I’m such a college student.  I could live off of cereal and lunchables–the lunchables mainly because my mom would never let us get them when my siblings and I were younger.  It will be nice to live in a house with a kitchen, and groceries and a big fridge and freezer.

Finally, I’ve decided to give up dessert for lent.  I love dessert a lot.  I could eat it for every meal.  This past weekend I got to play in the worship band for a women’s retreat and there were always cookies and brownies around…I’m too embarassed to tell you how many cookies I ate in the two day span.  And when I am stresssed or frustrated, sad, or even just bored, my first instinct is to turn to food instead of God.  My friend told me her mom refers to that as “soul cocaine”.  Amen!  Anything just to numb the soul and feel better if only for a moment.

 

I’m lazy

I haven’t updated my blog since the beginning of December.  I think the more I have going on in my life, the less I care about filling everyone in.  Not that there is an “everyone” who actually reads this!

So I”m getting married..that’s really exciting.

My fiance is living in Africa until December with a 2 week visit home this summer.  That’s not too fun, but we’re learning so much.  By the grace of God this time will be used greatly in our future together.  I can’t wait to refer to him as my “husband” instead of fiance.  I was so glad to make the jump from boyfriend to fiance, although I don’t think I ever once introduced him as my boyfriend, simply because I think that word is ridiculous and makes me feel…well, like I’m in junior high again.

I’m hanging out with my niece while I do my laundry at my brother and sister-in-laws house.  We’ve had fun.  She read me books.  (She’s almost 2).  She would open the book, say “nawoiehigahHIGWAj” (yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what she said) on every page and then close it and cry out “END!”  Now she’s staring mindlessly at Barney.  I hate barney.  And she’s putting her doll to bed.  She’s probably the cutest kid ever, except she is convinced either I am my little sister Bekka, or she would just rather have Bekka here.  Last time I babysat, we were reading a book, and it was around bedtime.  She curled up in my arms and said “bed?”  So I took her upstairs, we got ready for bed, I read her 2 books, put her in her crib and said ready?  She said “night! bye bye!”  And went to sleep.  I’m not sure any kid can ever measure up to her.

Well, I’ve done this out of obligation, so I really don’t have any witty comments or words of wisdom.  I’m going to watch Barney with the cutest kid in the world right now and I’ll enjoy every minute of it.  The things you do for those you love right?

 

Who will I be?

I love Christmas.  Hence the new site design…for the time being.

I was thinking today in class about the woman I want to be.  Qualities I want to possess.  I started making a list in my head and I would weed out ones I didn’t think were ever possible–but that’s not fair.  So here’s who I want to be.

.loving.kind.generous.hospitable.fun.beautiful.hardworking.motivated.
.disciplined.patient.quick to forgive.organized.
.faithful.honest.loyal.passionate.
.humble.polite.funny.enduring.strong.wise.
.intelligent.bold.meek.encouraging.selfless.

 

Spiders…

I have a confession to make.

I killed a spider with a notepad on my desk near my computer yesterday.  The confession is that the notepad is still sitting on top of the crushed spider because I’m too scared to move it.  What if it’s still alive?  Or worse yet, what if it’s not there, meaning it somehow escaped its doom, and is now crawling around somewhere even worse, like my bed?

I don’t just hate spiders; I’m terrified of them.  This might make my future endeavors in ministry difficult if I am in Africa someday and a giant tarantula makes its way anywhere near me.  I’m not sure what I would do and/or say, but I’m pretty sure it won’t exactly be God-honoring.

How does one conquer arachnophobia?

 

Freedom: a blessing and a curse?

Politics. I hate politics. When discussing that with a friend, I was asked if I really hated everything about them…including freedom of speech/thought in my case, freedom of religion…etc. And yes, ok, I do appreciate those aspects. But as I was falling asleep, I began to think that without the freedom of religion, we might have a lot more serious relationships with Jesus. We would be faced with such a deep gravity of making a decision that could mean our own deaths, that at that point of decision, I would not doubt a persons’ “conversion”. Today, I question daily the amount of “Christians” who roam about these streets, plastering Christ’s name on their harbored sin and wickedness. Do they really know the Jesus from the Bible? Do I really know the Jesus from the Bible? Our spiritual disciplines suffer greatly from our lack of urgency and passion. If it were outlawed, how many of us would finally grasp the necessity of reading His word, praying and fasting, and desperately seek the Lord through such means?

Reaching the globe under such circumstances would prove to be a slow and arduous process, one that could never be undertaken lightly (as is the case in our generation sometimes). I wonder if it would delay the ultimate coming of the Lord that I so desperately long for, or would our understanding of the great commission increase exponentially and cause us to go out full force, offering our bodies as sacrifices so that all my know and understand. Martyrdom has never failed to produce an outpouring of revival and resurgence of the gospel, for we see a human, like our own wretched selves, willing to give everything so that others may taste and see that God is good.

I often wonder what my reaction would be if torture were staring me in the face, threatening my very life demanding I give up and renounce my Jesus. I may never know, but part of me prays (ever so hesitantly) to be so grounded in the love of my savior that nothing can move my feet from the foundation of Christ.

People want fire insurance, comfort, and success. Not a savior. What would American Christianity look like if calling oneself a Christian no longer held a semblance of safety and security?